On the Republican ballot, more than a handful

“I, uh, I think I’m gonna get better as I get older, you know?  I think I’m gonna be the-the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance, you know?  ‘Less I’m neither o’ those two. Unless I’m one o’ those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism.”
-Woody Allen, “Annie Hall” (1977)

Leave it to Woody Allen to accidentally, but accurately, predict four decades in advance the general mold into which any candidate has to fit in order to run as a Republican in the United States.  If you don’t have saliva dribbling from your mouth and if you don’t scream about socialism, you can forget getting the support of the modern GOP.

So, speaking of that, have you been following the Michigan 2010 Gubernatorial race? Your friends at The Independent have, and we’ve compiled for you a handy guide to the Republican candidates, ranking them from the sanest (Rick Snyder) to the one who appears to have shopping bag in hand and saliva ready (Timothy Rujan).

It’s still early in the game and most of the candidates are still speaking in bumper stickers (TAXES BAD! JOBS GOOD!), rather than defined policy positions, and most of their platforms are still all but interchangeable, but don’t worry—we’ll be here to hold your hand as the campaigns go on.

1. Rick Snyder (Least Bad)
Slogan: Rick for Michigan
Currently: Not an elected official, Businessman
UM Connection: BA ’77, MBA ’79, JD ’82, adjunct assistant professor of tax and accounting (’82-’84)
Hails From: Ann Arbor
Comments: You have to give this guy credit for pretty much being the only person with a defined platform already.  Love or hate his actual positions — like most, he wants to cut taxes and bring in jobs — he actually explains how he intends to do it, which is certainly respectable. His platform is already incredibly comprehensive, and he seems to be a much more financial-oriented, as opposed to socially-oriented, candidate.

2. Tom George
Slogan: Together We Can Fix Michigan
Currently: Member of Michigan Senate
UM Connection: Undergrad, MD ‘82
Hails From: Texas Township
Stances: Diversify energy portfolio, make education a top spending priority, eliminate Michigan Business Tax, be ready to draft a new constitution, reform Medicaid
Comments: He has interesting views on reforming Medicaid and health insurance that don’t seem to be from the general Republican playbook.  I give both him and Snyder high rankings here for having fairly well-defined platforms that don’t seem particularly insane.  He also tweets a lot about working in the ER, which is kind of interesting, if totally irrelevant.
Tweet Tweet!: “Emergency c-section for breech baby. It’s a girl.”

3. Mike Cox
Slogan: Fighting for Michigan’s Future
Currently: Attorney General
UM Connection: BA ’86, JD ‘89
Hails From: Livonia
Stances: Bring good-paying jobs back to Michigan, eliminate the 2007 personal income tax increase, cut the Michigan Business Tax in half, keep our college graduates in Michigan
Tweet Tweet!: “Justice requires that we recognize, protect&defend every human life, born and unborn”
Downside: Sounds like “My Cocks” — certain fodder for The Daily Show and Colbert Report.

4. Pete Hoekstra
Slogan: Michigan’s Future Begins With Us!
Currently: Member of Michigan House
UM Connection: MBA
Hails From: Holland
Stances: Cut taxes, create well-paying jobs, invest in our children’s future
Tweet Tweet!: “Wow!Brown wins in Mass!It is the People’s Seat!It is and always was!”

5. Michael Bouchard
Slogan: “Fix Lansing. Get Michigan Back To Work”
Currently: Oakland County Sheriff
UM Connection: None
Hails From: Birmingham
Stances: Privatize EVERYTHING
Crazy: Member of the NRA, “Mike believes that doing what’s right may not always be the popular choice for the next Governor because of the entrenched special interests in Lansing. But to him, if it means he won’t win re-election he’s prepared for that because he knows it’s time we focused on the next generation rather than the next election.”
Tweet Tweet!: “My sweet daughter came home from college to spend time with her grandma. Church, work for me, and all together for a family dinner tonight.”
Comments: Hoekstra, Cox, and Bouchard are the only ones I’ve seen polling nationally, and it seems like either of the three are the most likely candidate right now.  All three of them love to pull the super-conservative, pro-life, anti-gay nonsense, and as far as platforms are concerned, there appears to be little fundamental difference.  Bouchard has a real penchant for privatizing things.  They all want to either cut or eliminate the MBT.  They all tweet a lot about their families.  Honestly, they all kind of even look alike.  They all seem to like the Teabaggers a lot.  Cox may rank slightly lower on my scale than Bouchard and Hoekstra on the grounds that his name sounds like “my cocks.”

6. David R. Kniffen
Slogan: MICHIGAN DESERVES ACTION!
Currently: Not an elected official
UM Connection: None. (No college)
Hails From: Troy
Comments:  He’s only thirty, hasn’t been to college, and misspells ‘believe’ every time he uses it on his website, which is frequently.  He holds patents, but seems to have no real platform beyond “TAXES BAD, JOBS GOOD”—except he differentiates between ‘jobs’ and ‘careers’.  He’s heavy on jargon and light on substance, but he manages to not have too much of a Teabagger vibe, so he still ranks about Rujan.

7. Timothy Rujan (Worst)
Slogan: Prosperity.
Currently: Huron County Commissioner
UM Connection: None. (No college)
Hails From: Bay Port
Stances: “restore FREEDOM, EMPOWERMENT OF THE PEOPLE and restore Michigan’s full promise”, lower taxes
Comments: “What we see around us is the steady advance of socialism. Like water dripping on a rock it steadily erodes our personal freedoms one by one.”  Uh, enough said.