Sex column

Q: The past few times my partner and I have tried to have sex he’s been unable to get an erection. When we talk about it he blames it on nerves but now he’s starting to avoid sex altogether, what should I do?

A: It’s most likely performance anxiety. This is a very common sexual problem. It occurs when the apprehension of engaging in sex overcomes any feeling of sexual stimulation. Apprehensive thoughts can take over any other thoughts to the point that sex can become impossible.

So don’t think that you’re not sexy or he’s not interested; there’s a lot more going on.

The initial self-doubt of performance anxiety is hard to let go of and can negatively affect performance. Often it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: if he thinks there’s a chance he won’t be able to get an erection, he’ll be more inhibited which perpetuates the problem and keeps this cycle going. Bad sex or being unable to perform does nothing but make him more sensitive (in a bad way) about the issue. Understandably, this can be a highly stressful situation. Not to mention the anticipation of the next sexual encounter, which can provoke the same anxiety exacerbated by the memory of the previous failure. Often, this stress and anxiety leads to avoidance of sexual activity altogether. One bad experience can affect a person tremendously, especially in today’s society where men often feel that their masculinity is directly tied to sexual performance.

My advice is to surprise him. Skip the mood effects, the long foreplay, the “planned” sex. Don’t give him time to think or worry about sex before it happens. All he needs is to build up his self esteem again. Just remember that sex shouldn’t be stressful and try to have fun. Hopefully after a few successful sexual experiences he’ll be able to let go of any concerns.
And just a side note, anxiety about sexual performance can happen to any gender at any age. Male sexual performance anxiety tends to be the focused on more than females, however performance anxiety occurs equally in both.